


Always With Me

by AwkwardSweatyCabages



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Erwin is dead, Fear of Death, armin is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:38:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardSweatyCabages/pseuds/AwkwardSweatyCabages
Summary: Erwin has been dead for quite some time now. Armin is still thinking about his lost lover and it expands to wonder about the enigma of death and what comes after.





	Always With Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was sort of a spur of the moment thing. I have been concerning myself with the means of death and what it is like to be dead (I am in my late teens and perfectly healthy this was brought on by some minor PTSD from when my grandmother was unresponsive for a few seconds). I'm scared but am trying to find ways to not be so afraid. Writing is one way for me to cope thus this fanfic was born.

Armin missed Erwin terribly. It was hard to be able to even eat let alone fight giant naked monsters. Of course Eren and Mikasa were by his side to help him when he thought he couldn’t make it through the night but that void was still there.

It would always be there.

He would dream about Erwin on a nightly basis: his laugh, his smile, his touch. It all seemed so real in his dreams. His dreams often took place outside the walls. 

It had been a couple of years since humanity had begun reconstructing a society without barriers and Armin knew he had other things to think about.

After Erwin died, Hanji became the commander and Armin was ranked as Hanji’s equal. Since the titans had been eradicated, he had to help them reconstruct a civilization lost in time. That was a more pressing issue than his personal feelings about his deceased commander.

He often thought about Erwin’s dream to unlock the secrets about the walls and humanity itself. He would tell himself, “I don’t deserve to see this. Erwin deserves to see this.”

\----  
Armin sat outside the commander’s door in shock. Eren was with him and trying to make him talk again but Armin didn’t hear anything his friend had to say.

“I watched his arm get eaten off.”

Armin only repeated that phrase.

Eren was very aware of Armin and Erwin’s relationship and didn’t know what to make of it. Armin told him that it wasn’t a boyfriend relationship. It was just two men who respect each other who occasionally fall into each other's arms; however, seeing Armin in this state made it very clear that their relationship was, in fact, boyfriends.

“I watched his arm get eaten off.”

“Armin. You know he’s awake in there, right? Go in and see him. He’s fine. Just a little woozy.”

“I can’t. He doesn’t like it when I’m upset.”

“I don’t either.”

“That’s different. You’re my friend. You’re allowed to see me upset.”

“Armin. Go in and see him. I’m sure he wants to see you. Even if you are all shook up.”

“Walk me in?”

“Of course.”

Eren knocked but went in before an answer could come from the other side of the door.

“Commander,” he saluted.

“At ease, Jaeger,” Erwin assured. “Armin.”

Armin didn’t want to look. He kept his head down.

Eren gently pulled Armin ahead of him. He saluted and exited quickly.

“Armin. Armin look at me.”

“Sir, I can’t.”

“Don’t call me sir right now. Just call me by my name. Look at me.”

Armin took a deep breath and gathered the courage to look Erwin in the eye.

His eyes were dull but not dead.

“Thank you, Armin. I don’t want anything to change between us.”

“I don’t either. I am just… What if you don’t make it back from the next mission?”

“Then I don’t make it back.”

“But I don’t want that to happen.”

“It will happen at some point, Armin.”

“Erwin.”

“Especially since my arm–”

“Erwin!!!”

Armin began to hiccup.

“Death is natural, Armin. Don’t think of it as the end and don’t you ever think that you’ll never see me again when I’ve died.”

“I know you’re trying to be comforting,” Armin choked out. “But I can’t help but doubt you.”

“Why?”

“Look around us!! Humanity is going to be wiped out by giant, naked monsters!! I have no intention of seeing a single thing after death!! Not you and definitely not some deity!!”

Erwin put his hand out. “Armin. Take my hand.”

Armin did.

Erwin yanked him down to right near his scruffy face.

Armin could tell Erwin didn’t shower or brush for a few days but he didn’t mind. He enjoyed Erwin’s natural scent and it put him at ease.

“Listen to me. In this world, there is no ending and no beginning. There is only being and, once I pass, whether it is by a titan or sickness, I will not be far from you. Wherever you go, I will be. I am not one for religion but I can guarantee you that nothing ever dies. Not even titans.”

“You’re saying that, when we pass, we just relive the same lives?”

“Perhaps. Or maybe I am telling you that there’s a magical land of no harm and no despair where we all skip through meadows of daisies and sunflowers. Interpret it how you will. I just want you to know that we will always be together.”

Armin sniffled. “Okay.”

“Good.”

Erwin released his hand.

Armin stared at the commander’s wound.

“Does it hurt?”

“Not anymore. I’m pretty sedated right now.”

“Oh. So will you remember this conversation at all once you’ve come out of your sedation?”

“I’m not sure but, if I don’t, remind me.”

“Alright.”

\----  
Armin was to meet with his living comrades at a newly built memorial honoring the military for their sacrifices. There were only 6 left from the 104th training squad, not including Armin. He was looking forward to seeing them: Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Historia, Connie, and Sasha. Hanji was also still kicking and so was Levi. Floch was due there too but it was hard for Armin to get excited about that.

His living friends were all still alive but Armin didn’t really know it they were actually living. Eren was missing a leg, Sasha had burn scars all over her body, Mikasa damaged a leg and an arm, Levi destroyed his leg, and Hanji lost an eye. Jean, Historia, and Connie were the fortunate ones in terms of physical injury. As was Armin.

Armin had all of his limbs in tact as well as his organs and blood; but his sanity was long gone. He was able to function as an intellectual but, as a human, he was incapable of so much. It was almost that all he was good for was eating, sleeping, and waiting to die off.

He marveled this memorial. It stood prideful and strong above the ground beneath it. And why wouldn’t it? They chose to make the metal into Erwin. He was saluting on his white stallion. Names of the known fallen were carved into the statue. Names covered Erwin’s body. Even his eyes held the names Marco Bodt and Hannes.

“Erwin,” Armin spoke. “I can’t feel you with me.”

Armin heard the clacks of crutches and knew Eren was there. He turned and saw him and Mikasa.

“Just as punctual as ever, Armin,” Eren smirked.

“I didn’t want to miss this.”

“Neither did we,” Mikasa smiled.

Armin turned back to the statue.

“Do you still miss him?”

“Of course I do, Eren. Those feelings won’t just go away.”

“Don’t get snappish, coconut head. I miss him too.”

“But not the way I do.”

“I know that. I miss pranking him.”

“Eren,” Mikasa cautioned. “This is not the time to joke.”

“Wasn’t Levi coming with you guys?”

“I don’t think he’s coming,” Eren said. “He isn’t stable enough. Last night he was holding the knife to his throat again.”

“Is the nurse with him?”

“Yep.”

“I think I saw the royal guard not far from here. Historia must be close,” Mikasa said as an attempt to divert the toxic conversation.

Armin closed his eyes.

I don’t feel you here with me.

\----  
Armin woke up abruptly. He jerked around trying to find the colossal titan. He swore that he was just there.

“How did I get to the wall?” he asked himself, staring at the blanket. “This jacket isn’t mine…”

He turned over and saw Sasha lying next to him.

“Sasha!! Are you okay!?”

“Armin!!”

“Eren! Can you tell me–”

Eren embraced Armin with all his might.

“Huh? Eren? What’s going on? Where’s Bertholdt? Did we get him?”

“We did. We sure did.”

“Okay…. Where is everybody else? Shouldn’t we be celebrating Bertholdt’s defeat? Where’s Levi? Mikasa? Jean?” Armin paused. “Erwin? Where’s Erwin?”

Eren let go of his friend.

“What?”

“Where is Erwin? Is he safe?”

Eren desperately looked around.

“Well Mikasa is over there with Jean. Levi is… taking care of some stuff.”

“Where is Erwin? Tell me.”

Levi jumped up next to Eren with his Gear.

“Kid,” he said. “You well enough to come with me?”

“What? Erwin–”

“Answer the fucking question.”

“I… I suppose so…”

Levi put his arms out.

“Come on, then.”

“Levi, I don’t think it’s good to break it to him this way,” Eren warned.

“Break what to me?”

“Just… come on.”

Levi flew him and Armin across the village. They landed at a familiar house.

“Levi. What is going on?”

“Step inside and go to the main bedroom. I know you know where that is. You’ve been to Jaeger’s house millions of times.”

Armin stumbled slightly as he walked.

“What happened?” he thought. “Why am I so woozy?”

He went into the room.

“Levi. Who is this? Is this…?”

Levi just sighed.

“No. It isn’t.”

“Kid, move the cloak and look at his face.”

“I won’t! I can’t–”

“Do it!!”

Armin flinched and his hands shook. He reached for the survey corps cloak and removed it.

Erwin’s eyes were closed. His face was white and his body looked like it had just given up on itself.

“Erwin. Stop this. Get up.”

…

“Erwin! You said you’d be with me!! Where are you now!? Where are you!? Erwin!!!”

Levi watched Armin panic and cry.

“ERWIN!!! WHERE ARE YOU!?”

“Kid. He’s not here.”

“Then where is he!?”

Levi shrugged.

“He told me he’d be with me always!! Where is he!?”

“I don’t know.”

“ERWIN!! ANSWER ME!! WHERE ARE YOU!?”  
\----  
“Armin!”

Armin opened his eyes and turned to the group.

“The gang’s all here, huh?” he said.

“Except Little Levi,” Hanji added.

“And literally anybody else we ever cared about in our short lives,” Jean said.

“Jean,” Krista barked. “They are here. Can’t you feel them?”

“Yeah!” Connie and Sasha cheered.

Armin’s eye twitched.

“Ymir is holding my hand and Reiner is trying to brush my hair.”

“Reiner has been trying to rub my head,” Connie places his hands on his bald head.

“And Annie has been advising me not to eat so much,” Sasha said.

“You’re all crazy. They’re rotting away in a hole or burned away with a titan’s corpse,” Eren scoffed.

“No! They are all around us!”

“Mikasa, what do you think?”

She shrugged.

“Armin?”

Armin flinched.

“Armin? You okay?”

“I DON’T KNOW!!!”

“Hey, take it easy!” Jean said.

“I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW!”

“Shit, he’s having a freak attack.” 

Eren took ahold of Armin’s shoulders.

“You need to breathe.”

“No!! I can’t!! Erwin is lost and I don’t know where he is!! I just don’t know!!!!”

Mikasa shoved Eren aside.

“Armin. It’s okay to not know.”

“It’s frustrating!!”

“I know it is but you have to just realize that things like this are just unknowable.”

“Erwin–”

“Is somewhere. He may be here and he may be not but you can’t just give up on your own life to dwell on that. Armin. It is okay.”

Armin let his head fall into her chest.

“I’m afraid to die.”

“That’s okay. Lots of us are.”

“You don’t show it.”

“Because, personally, I’m not afraid.”

“I am,” Connie said.

“Me too,” Sasha followed.

“Oh yeah, I’m terrified,” Hanji joined in. “But we can’t know what happens until it does.”

“Do you think Erwin is somewhere?” Mikasa asked.

“Yes… No… I don’t know…”

“He is somewhere, Armin,” Krista assured. “Even nowhere is somewhere.”

“But nowhere is lonely.”

“Nowhere is what you make of it.”

“What does that mean?”

“You clearly believe that consciousness outweighs death. If that’s the case, nowhere can be anything you want it to be.”

Armin burrowed himself deeper into Mikasa’s chest.

\----  
Armin dreamt again once he slipped into another night’s rest.

It was all the same but different his time. He was lost in a meadow. Daisies tickled his bare feet.

“Erwin?” he called. “Erwin!”

“Over here!!”

Armin ran for the voice.

Erwin stood, also barefoot, in a small pond.

“Since when is there water here?”

“I don’t know. Since always, I suppose. We just never noticed it.”

Armin jumped into Erwin’s arms. “I don’t want to get my feet wet. I’ll catch a cold. I’m fragile.”

“I know you are. I distinctly remember you crying the first time I entered you.”

“Erwin!! Don’t bring that up!!”

Erwin chuckled. “I apologize.”

Armin laid his head on Erwin’s chest.

“Erwin, I spoke with everyone about you today.”

“Is that so?”

“And I need to know… Where are you right now?”

“Hm? I suppose I’m in you head.”

“Yeah. I know. But where are you?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Erwin, where is your body or soul or whatever?”

“I don’t know.”

“God dammit. Just put me down you big oaf.”

Erwin set the squirming boy down.

“Armin, I don’t know where I am but… it’s not a bad feeling. I know I’m with you so it’s all okay.”

“You are not with me. I don’t see you or hear you when I’m awake.”

“Then I suppose you could think of me like a particle. You can’t see or hear me but I’m always there.”

“But where is there?”

“I’m not sure but it’s nice. Just know I’m here Armin and I always will be. And I will wait for many more years until you are in this euphoria with me.”

“Euphoria?”

“I do not worry here.”

“So you do not worry and you feel good all the time? Are you in heaven?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m so sick of hearing that.”

“I know but just hold on.”

“Why? You’re saying you’re in complete and total bliss so I could just find the balls to off myself now so I don’t have to be so damn anxious about all of this.”

“No. You can’t do that.”

“And why not?”

“This world still needs you, Armin. Your friends and the new society needs you.”

“But why does this matter? Why does this world matter if we all just go into this euphoric utopia?”

“I don’t know.”

“You can’t even tell me where you are. Why should I even listen to you anymore?”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just want you to be at peace.”

“I can’t be at peace if I don’t know where you are or where I’m going.”

“You can. I don’t know and it’s already happened to me. I am at peace because you are with me. I can hold you and kiss you when I want to.”

“Erwin…”

“I don’t expect you to wake and be 100% relieved of all anxieties and worries but I hope you find some comfort in knowing that I am here.”

Armin’s eyes fluttered open and he stared into the ceiling. He turned his head to the side, seeing a picture of Erwin.

“Erwin. Are you with me now?”

He watched the photograph for a solid 30 seconds.

Armin grinned slightly.

“You’re in my head, aren’t you?”


End file.
